On accidentally opening old wounds…

Fun fact #1: I’ve always felt like I was in the gray outer ring of the social circle.
Fun fact #2: I’ve always been passively possessive over people who choose to include me in their lives.
Fun fact #3: I’m a die hard people pleaser (though I don’t want to be).
Fun fact #4: I don’t know how to let go of things that hurt me, even when they’ve happened years ago.

I remember in first grade, I had two best friends: Mary Catherine and Kaitlyn. Each had their own likes and dislikes sometimes including each other, but the three of us were a group package, per se. All things were fine, as long as the three of us were together. At the end of first grade, Mary Catherine moved homes and schools. BIG CHANGE. At the end of second grade, Kaitlyn moved to Germany. BIG CHANGE. I had to make new friends. BIG CHANGE.

I’ve never been good at making friends. Third grade was the absolute worst year of my elementary school career. I had already assimilated into the outcast group consisting of the overweight kid that sucked on his booger covered jacket sleeves, the only two African-American children in our school (no joke, there was only two in the entire K-8 school), and me: the girl that would rather read than anything else. I was already considered different because one day a week I went to a special school for gifted and academically advanced children. Because of this my teacher also had a special kind of resentment towards me; she once pulled me into the hallway, telling me that I made it difficult for her to make teaching plans so I needed to “shut my trap” and sent me to the office for asking “too many questions” and making her “look incompetent” (again, no joke). I spent a many a recess period of my third grade year crying in the principals office.

I just couldn’t relate to anyone.

From first grade until fifth grade, the years basically continued in the same fashion. With the same 18-20 kids in my class each year who already decided I wasnt worth their friendship, I tried to make friends with the new students when I could. Usually I would, until they decided they liked so-and-so better, which I took extremely personally.

Imagine if you had a small company run by three people. Each person had a very important, specified job. One person handled gathering the supplies and making the product; one person handled the media, marketing, and advertising; one person handled the customer service and customer relationships aspect. Each person is vital to the strength of the company. Imagine if one day, the product person decided they weren’t interested anymore and they left without reason or explanation. The company would most likely struggle, at least until a replacement or new method was implemented.

That is, in a vague sense, how I view my relationships. I have a select few friends, that have stood the test of time (and my moods). I love them dearly. When some one leaves, it has a devastating impact on my mental state.

Flash forward to now, I am twenty-four years old. Though my last relationship brought me ‘out of my shell’ quite a bit, I still have a very hard time making friends. I still mourn the loss of friends and lovers (lol, how dramatic) from years past. I do my best to keep my chin up and tell myself that it isn’t that serious.

I just keep reminding myself that there are seven billion people on the planet, that one of them is bound to like me.

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