Inside out and upside down.

Today I want to write a personal blog, more like a diary of sorts. Please excuse me, these past two weeks have been a roller coaster of insanity:

First, let me start by saying that yesterday (Saturday, 3/35/17) marked my 7th week of being cigarette free. I haven’t had the urge to smoke a cigarette or become a nicotine slave again- though I have had the urge to smoke something, which I will explain why later, not like it matters.

My boyfriend said he would quit with me, if I quit, but I don’t think he was ready either. He does have a cigarette every few days, and I’m so proud of him for cutting back like he has. Though he does come around with a B&M every now again and I won’t lie, I’ve taken two puffs. Yes, I kept track: two puffs. I also bought one myself along with a small red bull on Tuesday and Thursday of last week. (Red bull is another one of my nasty and expensive crutches, that I’ve managed to keep in check until now for the same reason).

I’ve had such a hard time with this quitting thing because SURPRISE, I got a second job! I work for a company that basically sends me all over Florida, to Circle K and Kangaroo/Kangaroo Express gas stations and truck stops to count all their inventory and “cost” (coffee supplies, produce/food supplies.) They make me drive my own car, they make me track my own miles and hours, they make me get up in the morning anywhere from 4:30-6 am to make it to wherever they want me to go by 7 am. I’ve gotten in the habit of waking up early, so it isn’t so bad anymore.

My first day was absolutely brutal; Tomorrow will be day 8 for me, and it has gotten considerably better. Though the workplace drama of working with a bunch of women and an old, diva-ish flamboyantly gay man can be awful; I keep reminding myself that this job gives me a lot of freedom and pays extremely well for a job that is generally very easy. The hard part is that all my coworkers are smokers; I only get a break if I tell them I want to go smoke; I drive all over the place, sitting in traffic which is my biggest trigger; and lastly I have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn and when I’m that exhausted, my only coherent thought is CHUG A RED BULL AND SMOKE ALL THE THINGS. But I’m working on it. Ive smoked one and a half B&M in a span of 11 days, I don’t feel any urges, cravings, headaches, nausea, dizziness, head spins, or anything like I was expecting while smoking something. Though I do feel a tad bit of guilt. You may think I’m crazy, but I don’t count it as falling off the quit wagon. Oh well.

Though I now have two jobs and work relatively long days (anywhere from 7-9 hours at the auditor job not including drive time) and then about three times a week, have to go to my mall job for another 4-6 hours, sometimes I’ll have 15 hour days. Last week I had two 13’s and a 15. Once I get home, I crack an adult beverage, turn on whatever I feel like falling asleep to (notice how I didn’t say watching) and pass out.

Last week I was too exhausted to work on my blog, to draw, to read, to eat, to shower, to do laundry, basically function at all. But I have had lots of thoughts flitting around my skull that I didn’t know how to get out. Which is why I’m here again, my dear internet friends.

Also, I’m starting to gain that post cigarette weight I was so afraid of: 12 pounds. Groan.
Maybe I will enact some sort of exercise regimen. I’m not worried about 12 pounds, but I am worried about letting myself get out of control- which I am very well inclined to do.

I’m not really sure how to end this, so: good night all!

Stay tuned for your regular programming.


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