Trick or Trick?!

The past month or so, I’ve felt my life thrashing around, escaping control. I’ve realized that no matter where I am, what I do, or who I’m with I’m still the angry, confused person I’ve always been.

Though I’m uncomfortable in my gut, I haven’t really done anything to change my pace or lifestyle. Logic says I must be comfortable being this way, but I am not.

I know this.

I know I make problems for myself when there are none.

I know I overthink things when it isn’t necessary.

I know the only thing holding me back from success is myself.

I know that I have support, encouragement, and positivity all around me. Yet I still feel hopeless when I sit down and try to be productive. I’m caught in the trap of feeling like I waste too much time. Though, when its time to shine, I wait. I pause and stammer out some crap that really doesn’t mean anything.

Trying isn’t enough at this point. Trying is feeling like just as much of a time sink as not trying. I feel the dread that everything I’m doing is shit, will be shit, and I have no hope of becoming anything other than shit.

I lack a direction. I lack a passion. I lack a purpose.

I moved away from my comfort zone to gain a better sense of self, but it’s proving to not be enough.

I don’t want to go “home” but I don’t want to be here.

I don’t want to be anywhere.

I hate myself and the things I’ve done.